Things To Do on the Back of a Bike

Having spent varying lengths of time as a passenger on this fine piece of machinery this weekend, I can now offer the following suggestions--in no particular order--to keep YOU entertained the next time your head is cushioned inside a helmet:

1. Roll eyes at and decide to count the McCain/Palin campaign signs on display throughout Snohomish, Skagit and Island Counties.

2. Forgive yourself for losing count, in favor of actively keeping your terror in check (are there REALLY this many Republicans? Here? On the west coast? In my blue state? REALLY? I think I have an ulcer.).

3. Monitor the rear view mirror to be sure the pumpkin strapped to the bike hasn't leapt to its gut-spewing death on the road behind you.

4. Play the last song you heard on the radio in a continuous loop for background music in your head. Mine? "Collide," by Howie Day.

5. Invent new passenger seat designs that involve heated grips like the ones the dude in front of you gets. Lucky bastard.

6. Blink strategically so you miss the pass through Stanwood.

7. Practice sitting ramrod straight and tucking your abdominal muscles up under your rib cage like the yoga article recommended in that Outdoor magazine you read in the doctor's office waiting room last week.

8. Telepathically apologize to the future hamburgers you're sure you could hear mooing plaintively at you from their pens on the side of the road if it wasn't for the deafening roar of the BMW engine vibrating beneath you.

9. Compose emails you'll never send to your uncle in which you teach him a thing or two about common human decency.

10. Kegels. Lots and lots of kegels.